I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
