My nipple is on Facebook.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
