I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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