Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
