The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
