At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
