omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Can I color on your dick again?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
