i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
