these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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