We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
