I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
