there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm passing your future prison.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
