You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
