"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
