I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
