I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
