why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
