She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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