yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
