I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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