I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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