I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
