tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
