Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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