ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she told me i tasted like america
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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