"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
