Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
