The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
