Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
