I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
