Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
