I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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