my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
