I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
