I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think my moral compass just broke
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
