This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
