Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
