I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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