Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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