I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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