I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
