there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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