How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We are all done wearing pants today
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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