My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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