You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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