the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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