he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
