so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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