Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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