You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
