i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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