your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
We need a shit load of segways right now
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
